casinoclouds

I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

making my journal private now. add me/comment here if you already haven't to keep learning about my not so interesting life.

celtics are about to win the finals. worst team goes to the first. fuck yes.

i want to run through the streets of boston crying with joy while flipping a car.

I think if I could just grow an inch or 5, I'd be a lot happier. I'm coping with how we put Becca down real weirdly. I cry randomly and it's always when I'm driving. It sucks. I don't like that she's not here when I come home late at night. I don't like that there's not little black dog hairs all over my clothes fresh out of the dryer. And I really don't like that my mom has already moved her food dishes and washed her bed. I now sleep with her bed cover. I've had her for 15 years. It's amazing how fast it happened. I didn't sleep well last night. I slept at Mike's the other night, if I had slept at home I knew I wouldn't have been able to sleep. He calmed me down. Last night was hard. Some people have to have fans on when they go to bed. Or the TV. I used Becca's breathing. There was no panting at 1AM when I would randomly wake up. Even though there was no randomly waking up because I didn't sleep. I did eventually close my eyes for about 2 hours when I had to wake up and go to work. It's going to be a lonely summer without a little friend. I'm trying hard to not break again, but I know it'll happen.

Becca 8-28-93 - 6-13-08 RIP little baby <3

I already can't stop crying.

So, looks like tomorrow we're putting my dog down. The past few days we've had to hand-feed her grilled chicken, hamburger and rice and actually spoon-feed her yogurt. She's so old. I've had her since I was 3 years old. She's always been there. I already cried just looking at her today. I haven't decided if I'm going to go when they put her down. I really don't think I can handle it.

I can't live in this house anymore. I can't handle my mom just coming into my room whenever she wants. I need to live on my own. I asked her if I could move in with Mike for the summer and she said absolutely not. Who is she to tell me what to do when I'm an adult now. I'm 18 years old and I want to start living like one. I don't what the problem is if she claims to 'trust' me and I make enough money to live in an apartment. It'd be a good learning experience.

I'm just so ready to be on my own.

We had marching practice today, my class is full of dumbasses. They set us up with height and a boy and a girl. I'm marching with Eric Donilon, we totally rigged it and I'm so happy. I wanted to write "Hi Noni!" on my cap but I guess since we're an 'academy', I can't. If I did, they wouldn't let me march. So gay. I can't wait to leave. My last day is Wednesday. You don't understand how excited I am.

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This summer I plan to spend every day on the beach, on the east prom, and working. This summer is going to amazing, already it's so awesome. :) Life is so good. I just can't wait to finally start making money.

Last night I went to a show at the station for the first time in a while. I walked down the stairs to see children. Many children. About the ages of 12-15 if I were to take a shot in the dark. I used to feel young at shows. Now I feel old. I also saw about 3490 different colors of hair, sometimes they were all on one person's head. I can't even imagine why you'd look yourself in the mirror and think "wow i look good". Nah, you look real retarded- that's what you fucking look like.

Also I guess some of my friends, or "friends", who I thought were my friends actually talk shit about me and think I'm fake. I don't understand why anyone thinks I'm fake, I'm pretty straight forward if I think something. I may dye my hair a lot but I don't think that's what they mean. Don't call ME fake if some point in your life you were straight edge and were all ABOUT BEING straight edge then decide to break. In my opinion- that's pretty fake to me. You all suck. Going to that fucking show made me realize how much of you I hate. You're all so stupid and rely on those kind of shows to live your life. I know why I hadn't been to one in so long now, because I come in contact with stupid people like yourselves. Our Last Night was really good though.

And that's about all I have to say. Goodnight.

I'm a prom-a-holic.

I JUST LOVE TO DANCE WOO!! take me to paper.

Ahhh, stress levels are rising. I'm almost positive I have strep throat. I can't swallow even a sip of water and my glands are massive. I haven't eaten really anything in the last 3 days and I just haven't been hungry. It's fucked up.

Anyways, I got the job at the candy company so I have two jobs now! I need to figure out how to do that though, I've never been in this situation. Finally getting a grip on school. Just finished my whole scrapbook, that was time consuming- and expensive. I still need to buy more letters. ARRGGGHHH.

I got invited to Massabesic's prom on Saturday by my friend Emilee. I'm excited because I get to wear my friend Alicia's super cute Betsy Johnson dress! And I had fun at my prom so this one shouldn't be too bad.

Other than that, like 17 more days of highschool left. I can't be happier to see this hell hole come to an end. It's safe to say that I'm not going to miss more that 95% of the kids that I go to school with.

so I got the job at abercrombie, except I can't work two places in the mall that are both clothing stores. I'm sticking with express mainly because I just got everything set up there and I like my coworkers. Had another interview with the candy company, I hope that turns out good too. Things are getting more and more back together every day.
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On another note, I probably sound like an idiot for stating this but every time I watch The Hills I want to move into an apartmemt so bad. Is that weird? I think it'd just be so fun. The only person I could ever see myself living with would be my best friend Andrew, or Shannon. But she's leaving for Hawaii in December so I don't know how that could work out. I think I could even move in with Mike. We've talked about it but I should really live in a dorm for at least a year, for th experience. I just want to go shopping for household things. Maybe once I go dorm shopping that'll help me get my fix. I want to pick out just really cute things and make it look nice. I'm really excited for college to start. I desperately hope I like my roommate. That could be awful.

busiest week of my liiiife!

last friday was prom
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yesterday i went to crime in stereo in allston. they were better live than on the cd, i love when that happens. star struck, ugh. anyways, left at 12am, had to go to gilford nh first (2 hours away), and allston was 2 hours away from gilford. which makes 4 hours in a car, the day after prom. bleh, and then a show. but a good show. stomach hurt throughout the entire day- didn't care. love cis too much to worry about that. didn't get home till 1am ish. that's fine. slepttttt.
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today, first day at express. never thought i'd ever say this but it feels so good to have a job again. i like the people i work with so thats great. i had an interview at the candy company, i thought it went well. haven't heard back yet. (jayme, work your magic). interview at abercrombie on tuesday. i need 2 jobs. i like clothes. i need a new car. (cars broken, 900$ to fix). parents are letting me pay them back, word.
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monday (tomorrow): school, combined rehersal till 430, maybe going to my cousins tennis match. i have to redo my research paper and outline and write 3 other essays.
tuesday: school, mike, interview with a&f at 4. chorus concert at 7.
wednesday: chorus concert at 10am, school, another chorus concert (last one forever) at 7.
thursday: nothing
friday: nothing.

actually, thursday and friday: sleep sleep, and school. duh. i like being busy though. i like life.

I can't help it, I love the city.

I got to wake up to that face this morning. It was easily one of the cutest things that has happened. To just look over and see him there sleeping. Even though he woke me up at 4AM because he was hyper and decided to sing and be loud while I tried to go back to sleep. I didn't mind though, he's a good pillow. I like the looks of this one, guys. 31 days till I graduate, I'm so happy that it's finally happening. Prom next weekend, also excited. Should be a good time!

Hmm, so it's great to know that you'll always have my back no matter what. Especially when you tell me how happy you are for me. True colors will always shine through, it just takes me a little while to notice them. I can't say that I didn't see this coming, but I'm still shocked that it did. Thanks a lot, thanks for nothing. I don't plan on talking to you ever again. I hate the human race.

got a job at express!



THANK GOD that's over.