at the rainbows end

Thu, 05 Feb 2009 23:47:47 GMT

I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. There isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 00:34:36 GMT

making my journal private now. add me/comment here if you already haven't to keep learning about my not so interesting life.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 03:44:22 GMT

celtics are about to win the finals. worst team goes to the first. fuck yes.

i want to run through the streets of boston crying with joy while flipping a car.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 15:24:50 GMT

I think if I could just grow an inch or 5, I'd be a lot happier. I'm coping with how we put Becca down real weirdly. I cry randomly and it's always when I'm driving. It sucks. I don't like that she's not here when I come home late at night. I don't like that there's not little black dog hairs all over my clothes fresh out of the dryer. And I really don't like that my mom has already moved her food dishes and washed her bed. I now sleep with her bed cover. I've had her for 15 years. It's amazing how fast it happened. I didn't sleep well last night. I slept at Mike's the other night, if I had slept at home I knew I wouldn't have been able to sleep. He calmed me down. Last night was hard. Some people have to have fans on when they go to bed. Or the TV. I used Becca's breathing. There was no panting at 1AM when I would randomly wake up. Even though there was no randomly waking up because I didn't sleep. I did eventually close my eyes for about 2 hours when I had to wake up and go to work. It's going to be a lonely summer without a little friend. I'm trying hard to not break again, but I know it'll happen.

Becca 8-28-93 - 6-13-08 RIP little baby <3

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 02:37:56 GMT

I already can't stop crying.

Thu, 12 Jun 2008 15:44:22 GMT

So, looks like tomorrow we're putting my dog down. The past few days we've had to hand-feed her grilled chicken, hamburger and rice and actually spoon-feed her yogurt. She's so old. I've had her since I was 3 years old. She's always been there. I already cried just looking at her today. I haven't decided if I'm going to go when they put her down. I really don't think I can handle it.

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 04:29:24 GMT

hello, semi big post.

first off, this boy is everything to me.

i can't imagine what my life was like without him, i don't want to imagine what it would be like if i lost him. i've never felt so close to a boyfriend before as much as i am with him. he cheers me up when i'm sad and is the only person who really can do that. i'm falling so hard for this one.

in other news, hi i'm graduating sunday.

that's fuckin weird. that picture is from senior assembly, the actual graduation is in two days. nuts. high school went by so fast and so slow. we had senior night last night. 6pm-4am. sober.. actually it wasn't even that bad. till about 1am. first we had food and then all filed into the auditorium for the hypnotist. that was honestly the best fuckin thing i've ever seen. I saw my freshman history teacher drop it like it's hot and another teacher basically give one kid a lap dance. it was amazing how hypnotism works. i didn't believe it at first but there were people up there who were, no offense, wet blankets and they danced and pretended to be rock stars and sung. my friend matt was a balerina and danced across the stage. i thought i was going to die from laughing so hard.

After that nonsense there was a terrible magician, a really gross comedian (and a retardedly funny one) and the senior slideshow. full of pictures of our friends over the years. which is where i lost it.

i really didn't think i was going to cry as much as i did. at the end of the slideshow all of the teachers wrote little notes and i read one of them and just couldn't keep it together. i sunk down in my chair with my hood on and everything. hugs happened and i cried more. it just hit me that i'm not going to see a lot of these people again. i may say how much i hate everyone all the time but my grade isn't as bad as i make it out to be. all my friends are going so far away. andrew's going to canada, amanda's going to rhode island, katie's going to chicago, rob lauren and erin are going to orono, pat and eric are going to colorado, josh and dakota are going to north carolina. and me, i'm staying here. good thing brandon is just going to be a senior. and hannah's going to usm with me. i hope i make friends. i'm real tired. grad party tomorrow. money.

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 20:35:45 GMT

I can't live in this house anymore. I can't handle my mom just coming into my room whenever she wants. I need to live on my own. I asked her if I could move in with Mike for the summer and she said absolutely not. Who is she to tell me what to do when I'm an adult now. I'm 18 years old and I want to start living like one. I don't what the problem is if she claims to 'trust' me and I make enough money to live in an apartment. It'd be a good learning experience.

I'm just so ready to be on my own.

Fri, 30 May 2008 01:00:55 GMT

We had marching practice today, my class is full of dumbasses. They set us up with height and a boy and a girl. I'm marching with Eric Donilon, we totally rigged it and I'm so happy. I wanted to write "Hi Noni!" on my cap but I guess since we're an 'academy', I can't. If I did, they wouldn't let me march. So gay. I can't wait to leave. My last day is Wednesday. You don't understand how excited I am.

--
This summer I plan to spend every day on the beach, on the east prom, and working. This summer is going to amazing, already it's so awesome. :) Life is so good. I just can't wait to finally start making money.

Tue, 27 May 2008 04:55:28 GMT

Last night I went to a show at the station for the first time in a while. I walked down the stairs to see children. Many children. About the ages of 12-15 if I were to take a shot in the dark. I used to feel young at shows. Now I feel old. I also saw about 3490 different colors of hair, sometimes they were all on one person's head. I can't even imagine why you'd look yourself in the mirror and think "wow i look good". Nah, you look real retarded- that's what you fucking look like.

Also I guess some of my friends, or "friends", who I thought were my friends actually talk shit about me and think I'm fake. I don't understand why anyone thinks I'm fake, I'm pretty straight forward if I think something. I may dye my hair a lot but I don't think that's what they mean. Don't call ME fake if some point in your life you were straight edge and were all ABOUT BEING straight edge then decide to break. In my opinion- that's pretty fake to me. You all suck. Going to that fucking show made me realize how much of you I hate. You're all so stupid and rely on those kind of shows to live your life. I know why I hadn't been to one in so long now, because I come in contact with stupid people like yourselves. Our Last Night was really good though.

And that's about all I have to say. Goodnight.

Sun, 25 May 2008 04:22:38 GMT

I'm a prom-a-holic.

I JUST LOVE TO DANCE WOO!! take me to paper.

Fri, 23 May 2008 11:26:38 GMT

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

Thu, 22 May 2008 02:22:28 GMT

Ahhh, stress levels are rising. I'm almost positive I have strep throat. I can't swallow even a sip of water and my glands are massive. I haven't eaten really anything in the last 3 days and I just haven't been hungry. It's fucked up.

Anyways, I got the job at the candy company so I have two jobs now! I need to figure out how to do that though, I've never been in this situation. Finally getting a grip on school. Just finished my whole scrapbook, that was time consuming- and expensive. I still need to buy more letters. ARRGGGHHH.

I got invited to Massabesic's prom on Saturday by my friend Emilee. I'm excited because I get to wear my friend Alicia's super cute Betsy Johnson dress! And I had fun at my prom so this one shouldn't be too bad.

Other than that, like 17 more days of highschool left. I can't be happier to see this hell hole come to an end. It's safe to say that I'm not going to miss more that 95% of the kids that I go to school with.

Sun, 18 May 2008 19:37:03 GMT

so I got the job at abercrombie, except I can't work two places in the mall that are both clothing stores. I'm sticking with express mainly because I just got everything set up there and I like my coworkers. Had another interview with the candy company, I hope that turns out good too. Things are getting more and more back together every day.
--

On another note, I probably sound like an idiot for stating this but every time I watch The Hills I want to move into an apartmemt so bad. Is that weird? I think it'd just be so fun. The only person I could ever see myself living with would be my best friend Andrew, or Shannon. But she's leaving for Hawaii in December so I don't know how that could work out. I think I could even move in with Mike. We've talked about it but I should really live in a dorm for at least a year, for th experience. I just want to go shopping for household things. Maybe once I go dorm shopping that'll help me get my fix. I want to pick out just really cute things and make it look nice. I'm really excited for college to start. I desperately hope I like my roommate. That could be awful.

Mon, 12 May 2008 01:46:47 GMT

busiest week of my liiiife!

last friday was prom
-

yesterday i went to crime in stereo in allston. they were better live than on the cd, i love when that happens. star struck, ugh. anyways, left at 12am, had to go to gilford nh first (2 hours away), and allston was 2 hours away from gilford. which makes 4 hours in a car, the day after prom. bleh, and then a show. but a good show. stomach hurt throughout the entire day- didn't care. love cis too much to worry about that. didn't get home till 1am ish. that's fine. slepttttt.
--

today, first day at express. never thought i'd ever say this but it feels so good to have a job again. i like the people i work with so thats great. i had an interview at the candy company, i thought it went well. haven't heard back yet. (jayme, work your magic). interview at abercrombie on tuesday. i need 2 jobs. i like clothes. i need a new car. (cars broken, 900$ to fix). parents are letting me pay them back, word.
---

monday (tomorrow): school, combined rehersal till 430, maybe going to my cousins tennis match. i have to redo my research paper and outline and write 3 other essays.
tuesday: school, mike, interview with a&f at 4. chorus concert at 7.
wednesday: chorus concert at 10am, school, another chorus concert (last one forever) at 7.
thursday: nothing
friday: nothing.

actually, thursday and friday: sleep sleep, and school. duh. i like being busy though. i like life.

Sun, 11 May 2008 15:24:01 GMT

I can't help it, I love the city.

big photo post

Sun, 11 May 2008 05:42:51 GMT

prom was last night and this was my favorite picture

I feel like, a princess, or something stupid like that. I just feel like it could be from a storybook. Ok, enough about the picture.

First off, we went to Andrew's took some pictures there with a small group of people.

Then went to Amanda's with everyone where the party bus picked us up. The bus was amazing:

Then we were off to the cemetary to take pictures. Where the whole tradition with the cemetary and prom picture came about, I don't know. I think it's very weird but I guess they look nice? Being around dead people sketches me out though. Everyone's dresses were gorgeous and the guys cleaned up very nicely.

After pulling several muscle glands by smiling for a good hour straight we went to the Holiday House to eat some food. And take more pictures with a pretty beach background.

The dance was really fun also. The DJ wasn't very good but we got used to it and all had a good time. I danced with pretty much everyone and thats what I most liked. The fact that our group of friends seemed to really come together made me so happy and helped out the night.
--

Overall, I'd say I had a really good prom night.

Mon, 05 May 2008 00:38:14 GMT

I got to wake up to that face this morning. It was easily one of the cutest things that has happened. To just look over and see him there sleeping. Even though he woke me up at 4AM because he was hyper and decided to sing and be loud while I tried to go back to sleep. I didn't mind though, he's a good pillow. I like the looks of this one, guys. 31 days till I graduate, I'm so happy that it's finally happening. Prom next weekend, also excited. Should be a good time!

Fri, 02 May 2008 10:20:22 GMT

Hmm, so it's great to know that you'll always have my back no matter what. Especially when you tell me how happy you are for me. True colors will always shine through, it just takes me a little while to notice them. I can't say that I didn't see this coming, but I'm still shocked that it did. Thanks a lot, thanks for nothing. I don't plan on talking to you ever again. I hate the human race.

Thu, 01 May 2008 01:24:42 GMT

got a job at express!

THANK GOD that's over.

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 02:58:14 GMT

I just drank my seventh cup of tea in 3 hours. My throat is still not feeling good. Ugh ugh ugh. I hate being sick. Prom is next weekend, I'll be damned if I'm sick for that.

--
In other news. Mike is good. I've never felt so connected with someone who I've been dating for only a month. It's an amazing feeling. He understands me. I used to see myself being single forever because I can't stay put. Now I can't envision my life without him. I like it, but at the same time I'm scared out of my mind. I don't want to be that girl that depends on her boyfriend. I don't see myself like that though, ever. I'm my own person and I intend to stay that way. It's just weird for me to be sitting on my bed without him, wondering where he is or what he's doing. That's not weird is it? I'm just really new to the whole relationship thing. I don't want to be clingy but I love being with him, near him. I like that when I leave his apartment all I can smell is him. But then it fades and I get sad. It's such an interesting feeling for me. But all I'll say is, the pros absolutely out weight the cons in this situation :)

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 04:04:28 GMT

I've never been so ready to leave and pack everything up and move away. I need to live on my own. I feel really sick right now. I feel like I'm in a 80 year old's body. I didn't sleep last night at all I don't even know why, my lip is chewed up beyond belief. The truth is.. I miss you. More than I thought I would. BUT I moved on, up and away from you. And I plan to stay that way, until the next time we have an awkward meeting. It's life though, what can you do? I've found something, someone, who makes me happy. Life is on track. There's reason to believe that this summer will be better than most. If I see you, so be it. I don't mind having you around, even though I can only think of one thing every time I look at you. I don't feel that way towards you anymore. It's so good to finally say that. You have no fucking idea.

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 03:39:25 GMT

This is something that has always bugged me. If you talk shit about someone, then are nice to them to their face, that makes you a two-faced bitch. I can't stand people like that. If you're all "oh fuck that kid, he/she is a loser", then when you see them in person and are all buddy- buddy to them you're fucking stupid. I've made it pretty clear that I don't like when people do that. When you make fun of a person that I'm friends with in front of me, I'm going to fucking stand up for them. That doesn't mean I'm going to run back to them and tell them you were talking shit. I think most of you are fucking retarded and I feel like I can't escape high school. Fucking grow up and learn who you're true friends are. I'd like to know what some of you say about me behind my back. If you don't like me, fucking tell me because I'm tired of trying to befriend people who aren't worth my time. You're all scumbags.

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 01:17:07 GMT

I don't generally like getting ditched by my friends but tonight I don't care because I have a terrible headache. I felt like posting. I think I stayed in the tanning bed for too long. Oops.

Uhhh can we just talk about how fucking gorgeous it was outside today? I woke up and it was 80 degrees at my house. Amazing. I walked around the old port with Katie, Andrew and Brandon and it was awesome. Met up with Mike and Alex later and then hung out with them for the remainder of the day. Then I had to go tanning, which is why I'm home, and have a headache. Jesus.

--
So I applied at Journeys and Club 21. I would rather work at Journeys just because they have a sweet discount and I need shoes. So Chris, help me out. And Club 21 would be pretty sweet just because it's in the old port and I like it down there. The clothes are semi-expensive so I don't think a lot of people would buy them which means I wouldn't have to do a lot of work. Hahaha, except tourists aren't exactly my idea of a good time. Whatever, money is money and it's what I need right now.

BUT, life is good.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 02:10:41 GMT

This guy, right here. Wow, I've never been so happy with life before. Everything's going smoothly, except I have a court date tomorrow and may lose my license and that could suck.. I don't even care though. I quit tennis by the way. Too much drama and it was making me stress out and I realized I don't need to play. I'm going to go finish watching the rock of love season finale.